Humour: surfing can be quite a funny topic | Photo: Kampus/Creative Commons

Are you new to surfing? If so, these are the questions that really matter when you're about to walk on water for the first time.

Are you already a seasoned surfer? In that case, just make sure we're doing our work well.

We guess these are topics that help us become better surfers, right?

Buckle up. It's time for a surreal ride on surfing ultimate Q&A.

And make sure to send us additional questions and answers that we may have forgotten via email - 20 million brains work better than just a few.

Or maybe not. Anyway, here we go:

If advanced surfers hang ten, do beginners just hang one?
Indeed, it's a step-by-toe progression.

Can I use my ironing board if I can't afford a surfboard?
Sure, but only if you're ironing out your surfing technique.

Can I surf on a lake if I just push the water really fast?
If you can, I've got a garden pond you might be interested in surfing next.

Do surfers get a tan on the bottom of their feet?
Yes, when they're practicing their handstands.

Can I use spaghetti noodles as a replacement for surfboard fins?
Only if you fancy a pasta-tacular wipeout.

Why don't surfers just use floaties to stay above water?
Because sharks are partial to a floatie snack, of course.

Can I use maple syrup instead of surf wax for better grip?
Yes, but you'll attract more ants than waves.

Do dolphins ever laugh at surfers when they wipe out?
I've heard they chuckle, but their timing's a bit wet.

If I eat a lot of seaweed, will I become a better surfer?
Only if you're trying to seaweed out the competition.

How many sea cucumbers do I need to glue to my board to make it float better?
Just the one, but he's got to be cucumbermitted to the job.

Do fish judge my surfing skills from below?
Only if they're schooled in critiquing.

If it's called surfing, why don't I see people on the internet with boards?
Oh, they do, just on a different stream.

If I wear flippers, will I surf faster?
Faster? Maybe. Graceful? Absolutely not.

Why don't they make surfboards with built-in cup holders for mid-surf drinks?
Because it's hard to sip tea while catching a wave, darling.

If I can't swim, can I still surf if I stay in the shallow part?
You can, but you'll be surfing the net for rescue tips quickly.

Can surfing cause vertigo?
Only if you spin tales of your epic rides.

Do waves ever get seasick?
I've never seen one turn green, so probably not.

If I wear 3D glasses, will the waves look even gnarlier?
Only if you want to see three sharks instead of one.

Why don't they make edible surfboards for when I get hungry out there?
Tried it. Biscuit boards don't last in tea or seawater.

Do sea turtles offer taxi services for tired surfers?
Last time I checked, they only do shell service.

Can I use a surfboard as a giant spatula?
Only if you're flipping burgers at the beach.

Why don't they make glow-in-the-dark waves for nighttime surfing?
Because the moon refuses to sponsor it.

If I wear my pajamas while surfing, can I dream of bigger waves?
Yes, but only in the land of nod.

Is there an app to order a wave on-demand?
There is, but it always says, "Wave not found."

Why don't waves have a pause button?
They do, but Neptune misplaced the remote.

If I whistle, will a wave come faster?
Only if the wave's named Rover.

Can I use a hair dryer to make wind swells?
Yes, but only if you're aiming to blow away the competition.

If I tie a balloon to my board, will I float better?
Possibly. But you might end up on cloud nine instead of the next wave.

Can I bring a surfboard on a skateboard ramp?
Sure, but it's a slippery slope, mate.

Is there a sandbank where I can deposit my sick rides?
Yes, but the interest rate is a bit grainy.

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